If you have your speakers on mute, turn up the volume for a minute and listen to the first song on my Playlist as you read. This song will always be my Dave's song.
Today, my oldest brother Dave would've been 49. He died last April, and I still miss him terribly. Dave and my other older brother, Tommy, stayed behind with their dad when our mom and my dad moved from Maryland to California, back in 1976. Dave was 16, and I was only 2, so I didn't get to grow up with him or Tommy. I didn't know much about him until he moved in with us after his divorce, and I was 12 or 13.
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Getting to know Dave wasn't the easiest or most fun thing for me. Dave back then was angry, and he was the kind of guy that wore his feelings on his sleeves. When he was mad he let everyone know it, and no one was exempt from his mean words. I had made up my mind that my brother was a jerk, and I stayed away from him as much as possible.
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But then, as he got older, got married, had more kids, and I got less annoying for an adult to be around, something changed. I began to see him as a fun guy to hang out with. He always had a plan. Whether it was how to build something or how to have some kind of adventurous (and totally frowned-upon and probably illegal) fun, life around Dave was never dull. When we finally moved to Virginia, and just an hour away from him and his family, I think for me that was when he truly felt like a big brother. I was 18 by then, and the dynamics of our relationship had changed from kid-sister and brother-with-a-life to two grown-ups sharing life's ups and downs together.
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The last year he was alive, I probably talked to Dave more than I ever had before. He was really struggling with the pain he was in, and not being able to work. Because I sent money whenever I could, he'd call me and thank me, sometimes cry, and we'd talk about everything as fast as we could so he didn't use up all his minutes on his only phone. Even though he was in a living hell, he was always willing to laugh and find humor in things. When Worker's Comp stopped his payments, PROMISING a settlement, and then nothing for months happened, he'd go without much food. He said he was still okay because he had a warm home. When the heat was finally turned off because WC wouldn't send a check, he said at least he had a warm bed and his keyboard to play. When his back hurt too much to be in his cold home, he still had the yard to work in, and a car or two to tinker with. He was a self-motivator, and always thinking, moving.
I still miss those phone calls. I hear a song from John Cougar, Elton John, Phil Collins, The Beatles or any number of bands Dave loved, and my heart aches. When "Cherry Bomb" came out he was living with us and it was one of his favorites. Dave loved to rock, and anything with a good beat always got him movin'! I play Guitar Hero with my kids and think about how much Dave would have loved playing, too. When I have my alone time, I think of him and cry. I know he's in a better place and feeling great now, but I still haven't gotten over the fact that I'll never see him here again. I miss his shortness (he was the shortest boy, and I was the shortest girl, and we stuck together) and his great big forearms. I miss his strawberry blond hair, and his AWESOME orange-green eyes. I miss his big booming scratchy laugh. I miss his bigger-than-life personality, his electrifying energy for everything from food to mechanics to drawing to sports to his kids. I miss him and it's still killing me..
I thought I'd have a lifetime to have that relationship grow and change more. I thought it would be great when he finally got his Worker's Comp settlement and could move out here with us. I looked forward to seeing him more often. I was excited for him to know my husband and kids, and for them to get to know him. I wanted my mom to be able to have him around, because she missed out on having her son with her all those years we were away.
.I've learned that I can't assume I have a lifetime to pursue or strengthen love and friendships. I did have a lifetime with Dave, but just not MY lifetime.
.Happy Birthday Bro, I still miss you!
5 comments:
This is a beautiful and touching post. What a lovely tribute to your brother. I am sorry for your loss. I know that you miss him.
As you have said.... thank goodness we have the gospel in our lives and know about the plan of salvation. I know that is a comfort to you.
Have a good week.
How thoughtful to have such a great tribute to Dave. I'm sad I only met him once. I'm sure we would have been kindred souls. Well, we will have plenty of time after this life to get better aquainted (sp?).
This was such a touching post. I'm so glad you had the opportunity to get to know your brother and develop such a sweet relationship with him. You will have that memory forever. He sounds like an amazing man.
You can keep his memory alive by telling your kids about him and his great example.
Our thoughts are with you!
Just thought I'd add something funny Drew said. When I came to your page, he saw the pictures of Dave and he said, "I know him". I said, "Oh really, who is he?" and Drew says with an unsure look on his face, "Is he John the Bath-tist?" Ha ha, funny boy.
Thanks for this post. Looks like he was really able to look on the good side. What a great example. Boy, so many post lately have been about loosing loved ones. Makes me just want to hug everyone and appreciate the time we have together.
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